


I plan to End Lives with my Aimless Spewing

by Realsies5926 (orphan_account)



Category: Sanders Sides (Web Series)
Genre: Angst, Fluff, Love Triangle, M/M, Mutual Pining, Panic Attacks, Rejection, Self Harm, Trans Creativity | Roman "Princey" Sanders, Trans Male Anxiety | Virgil Sanders, Unrequited Love, analogical angst, anxiety atttacks, anxiety disorders, roceit angst, roceit fluff
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-07-16
Updated: 2020-09-06
Packaged: 2021-03-03 19:20:22
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 3,616
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24950710
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/Realsies5926
Summary: This could be a full story, but it isn't likely. Enjoy whatever becomes of it.
Relationships: Analogical - Relationship, Roceit
Comments: 2
Kudos: 25





	1. The new, better version of the previous fic starts here:

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry to anyone following who were enjoying the first one, I just thought it was beginning to get shitty. I'm won't delete though, it's too fun of a prompt to abandon completely. Btw, it's a high school au.

The tiling on the bathroom floor were more comfortable than you'd expect. They were cold, but dry, and did wonders for Roman's aching head. They smelled clean and sterile. It was quiet, just like he liked it. 

His arm felt numb. So did his head. The razor on the counter, newly cleaned, called out to him. He pressed the top of his wrist; it stung. Tremendously. 

Roman winced and bit his tongue, feeling a tear drip from his nose. He used his good hand, the right one, to push himself onto his back and run through his sweat-soaked blonde hair. It was getting too long for his taste.

His hoodie sleeves pulled over his hands, Roman sat up and tried to pull himself up with the door handle. Immediately, regret sank into his skin as his stomach cramped and stiffened. A strangled cry escaped him, dry and distressed. He pressed the palm of his heel into his lower stomach and heaved in pain. A knock came to the door. Remus.

"Romaaaaaaan?" he drawled. Roman's lip quivered as he spoke, making his reply more of a wince than a word. 

"Yeah?"

"Are you on again?"

Roman huffed, sitting up enough to unlock the door before he collapsed back to the ground. Remus peeked in, trying not to make the paint-chipped door creak. He failed. 

It whined and Roman whined with it. Remus' red-plaid skirt flitted backwards as he skipped to Roman's side. 

"You need me to carry you to bed again?" Roman scowled at his incessant carefree joking. He nodded anyway, knowing he had no choice. 

Once Roman was comfortably in bed with a hot water bottle hugged between his sweatshirt and his top, Remus skipped over to Virgil's room. The black door creaked open and revealed Virgil, lying outstretched on his couch with his head hanging off the side. Remus crept up and jolted him awake and recoiled in glee as he shot up, swinging his lilac curls back in the process. 

"What do you want, kid?" he huffed, rolling onto his back and straightening out his parting. Remus sat by his side and buried his cheek in Virgil's shoulder. 

"Roman's getting cramps again, he wants you."

Virgil sucked in his lips and tilted his head. It took a monumental amount of effort not to cringe on his behalf. 

"I guess I'm coming, then."

Virgil walked into Roman and Remus' room with a bottle of guilt brewing in his stomach. He remembered what it was like to suffer through such a state every month, causing it to spike and bubble over when he saw Roman clutching the hot water bottle for dear life, panting. Neither of them said a word, reaching each of Roman's sides in a moment and curling into him with a warm, tight hug. Virgil noticed Roman's shoulders relax, which he took great pleasure in feeling. 

* * *

Later on in the day, Janus found out about Roman. He immediately jogged over and, despite his rotting voice, called up to the window. He was urgent enough that Patton heard him and gladly let him inside.

"Thank you, sir," he breezed, climbing the stairs like his life depended on it. Patton smiled and clasped his hands together, following him slowly. 

Janus knocked on the door with an easy wrist, quiet about opening it when he received no answer. His damaged retinas were blessed with a sight he never thought he would have the privilege of seeing.

The three brothers were all curled up into a neat cuddle under the wine red sheets. It was dark, but the expressions of pure peace on their faces beamed so brightly even Janus could see them clearly. 

Slowly and cautiously, Janus crossed the room, heels muffled by the cream carpet. He passed the desk with a hand on the back of the chair and bent his knees to Virgil's level. 

Roman's slumber was less restful than he originally thought. Though he was quiet and breathing deeply, the scrunch in his eyelids was enough to see the anguish plaguing him. 

Janus pulled the chair up and sat with the backrest to his chest. He prodded Roman's cheek gently, whisking a stray strand of hair from his face. Roman whined from the back of his throat. 

The moment he opened his eyes, Roman was delighted. Instinctively, he glanced up at Virgil. He was outcold.

"Hey, sweetheart," Janus whispered with a husky growl. Roman reached over to Janus' outstretched hand and grasped it with his fingertips. The rest of his hand was covered by his hoodie. 

"Janus, darling...what're you doing here?" he whispered back eagerly. The pain had fled his voice, Janus noticed. It sounded like the feeling you get just after a storm when the scent of freshly cut grass hits you.

Janus inhaled, pleased, and kissed his knuckles.  
"Remus texted me twenty minutes ago. She said you were having...dysphoric issues, again." 

Roman frowned. The sorrow was back.  
"Yeah, it hurt pretty bad, won't lie. I can handle it, I always do."

"My brave prince..." Janus smiled into Roman's hand. Roman blushed. 

"That's so cheezy."

"You love it." 

"I do."


	2. Chapter 2

Logan's legs swung back and forth on the ratty porch swing as his phone rang. The boards of oak creaked with every movement, harmonising with the light breeze rustling the woodland leaves behind the house.

He breathed in the autumn air and sighed, leaning back into the cusions. He looked through the four-square window to his left and through the curtains. His mother was there, smiling and scribbling away. Logan wondered what she was drawing. 

The phone beeped and Virgil entered the line. His voice was soft and gentle, like he'd been sleeping. Logan smiled and cleared his throat. 

"Sleeping, were you?" he asked. Virgil grumbled, rummaging around in the background. The sound of a door closing was prominent, Virgil's whispers of disturbed sleep still lingering in his breathing.

"Okay, I'm alone and you're going on speaker. What's up?"

Logan smiled. "I was wondering if I could come over...? If your father's okay wi-"

"Dude, yes, of course. Patton loves you, I'm sure he'd trade me for you if he got the chance." 

"We both know that's the farthest thing from the truth, now, don't we?"

Virgil sighed again. "Yeah, it is. Either way, the point still stands. Come when you're ready, Patton's making risotto." 

Logan grinned. Wide and passionate. He loved Patton's cooking, and was never afraid to give out a compliment when he meant it. Logan thanked him eagerly and hung up the phone. 

Running inside, Logan threw his laptop and a change of clothes into a bag, hastily overviewing everything he'd need as he went. His excitement was getting the better of him, which he didn't mind. His father wouldn't be home until late. 

Just as he bid his mother goodbye and stepped out the door, a car pulled into the driveway. Without hesitation, Logan stepped back into the house and bolted up the stairs. His mother went with him, praying he hadn't seen either of them.

Meanwhile, Virgil chucked his phone with force onto his actual bed, watching it bounce onto the pillow. He disregarded it completely and tried going back to sleep, when only two minutes later did he hear it ping. 

Logan♥️🔥: Sorry, can't come after all. Dad says I have to do my homework. 

Virgil frowned. He knew a lie when he saw one. His protective instincts kicked in quickly, making him stand from his bed and strut downstairs with purpose. 

By purpose, he wasn't exactly sure what he meant. He didn't know what he was going to do once he arrived. By the time he reached the bottom step, his momentum had extinguished. 

Patton was sitting in the living room and reading when he saw Virgil across the hall. The confliction in his eyes radiated enough concern that it urged him to intervene.

"Virgil, kiddo, what're ya doin'?" he asked politely. Virgil snapped out of his haze and directed his attention to Patton, who summoned him with a gentle wave.

Virgil sat beside Patton and crossed his arms. Patton's gaze filled him with a guilt he couldn't recognise. With one look, he caved.   
"Logan's lying to me again, I can feel it. I just wanna know what's going on!"

Patton cooed and rubbed his back with a sad smile.   
"I know it's hard, sweetie, you just have to ask and wait for him to come to you."

"Oh, but you said that last time. What if he never does come to me?"

Patton felt his son's heart rate picking up dramatically. His back craned forward to match Virgil's.   
"Hey, he's okay. I couldn't tell you why he's lying to you, but you can't force him to tell you. If the lies start hurting people, that's whe-"

"They are hurting people, Dad, they're hurting me." Virgil gasped, air lodging in his throat. He recognised the feeling and spiralled further, hugging himself with his right hand firmly gripping the back of his neck. 

Patton held him as he rocked, shaking his head in disbelief and regret. He felt the guilt of his son's state hit him forcefully in the chest, seizing his heart and squeezing out the remorse. Uselessness crept about his brain and convinced him he was unworthy. 

Patton sobbed openly, quiet whimpers of misery making their way into the world. Virgil, still heaving, took his embrace and welcomed it. The sensation of their heartbeats syncing was enough to concentrate on, even if it didn't help it lower. 

Roman peeked round the corner when he heard the commotion. His hands were woven easily round himself through the tube pocket on his hoodie, massaging his thumbs with the other. 

Janus stood behind him, holding a bowl of soup, waiting nervously.   
"They're having a moment, Roman," Janus urged, hushed, "and I think you should be spending your time in bed, right now." 

Roman sighed. The corners of his lips twitched into an irritated smile, which wasn't fooling anyone.   
"I know you're just concerned, but please," Janus continued, "Patton's got him. And I have you." 

Roman scoffed, already tired.   
"Okay...let's just not let on that you're here...he might flip."

Janus was all too quick to agree, following Roman up the stairs and back into his room. Roman sat back down, steadily, and curled up again. The relief that the pressure brought him was great. 

"Now, take it slow," Janis iterated. Roman nodded and held out his arms for the bowl, only to receive a sly smirk instead. 

"Bitch, you wouldn't dare."

"Oh, I would. Open up."


	3. Chapter 3

Logan followed his father's steps into the kitchen, holding his mother's hand. She adjusted the bedazzled clip that held her royal-blue hijab together out of nervous habit and twisted the multitude of rings on her fingers. The jewels in the clip and the rings were all of the same type: sapphires. His mother loved blue, hence his own favorite colour. 

He turned his attention back to his father to see him pick up the light sketch from the kitchen table. Logan's shoulders dropped as he saw his father's good mood and chucked his bag into his room as quickly and quietly as possible. He pulled his mother forward, who was trembling a little less, and followed him downstairs to greet her husband. 

"Did you draw this, Sahlia?" he asked, seemingly delighted. She smiled and nodded, ringing her hands meekly. She looked so excited, it broke Logan's heart. 

"It's beautiful... I think you should paint it." 

"That's a good idea... maybe I will."

Sahlia's Tamil accent was thick and smooth; Logan always loved hearing it. It was so soothing to hear a huge part of his heritage every time she spoke, and her voice had always been one of reason. Though she had be taught not to speak much, she always defied this rule. She was chatty and intelligent, no wonder Logan turned out the way he did. 

"Well," Logan's father interrupted his thoughts. "I'll be upstairs. Logan, I need a word with you."

Sahlia watched him walk upstairs and heard the door slam. She jumped and held Logan's shoulder for a moment, gesturing to the stairs. Logan sighed in disbelief and disappointment, mostly with himself. 

Logan opened his father's room door and closed it behind him. The aura in the room was cozy and inviting: translucent red curtains, white walls, cream carpets. It was kind on the eyes with warm tones all around. Logan looked to his father, who sat in a chair at the end of the room. The tone he set did not match the room, but you couldn't tell from the outside. 

"Where were you going with that bag earlier?" he asked kindly. Logan's knees shook as he tried to articulate an answer.

"I-I was going to Virgil's, if that's okay...?" Logan stammered. His cheeks flushed deeply, making his father smile. 

"Tell you what? From now on, if you're out of the house before dinner, you don't have to ask."

Logan knew he would likely go back on it. He was certain he would be scolded after a week of this policy being in place, forcing him to apologize, face punishment, and feel the overwhelming guilt that came with disappointing his father. He dreaded the day this right would be revoked, but it wasn't his fault.

His father didn't know what he was doing, he just had a poor memory. His demeanor was always so sweet and unassuming. Logan couldn't bring himself to blame him. 

"Does this mean I can go now? Dinner's not for another hour."

"Of course, that was part of the deal, silly. Go on."

That one stung. He should've seen it coming, it wasn't his fault, he just didn't know how he was hurting Logan with little digs like that. They were meant to be playful, as far as he and Sahlia could tell. 

* * *

Virgil dropped his fork in the sink and wandered out of the kitchen without so much as a passing glance towards his concerned family in the background. The twins watched him leave with remorse and curiosity respectively, and Patton just frowned. 

As he stumbled towards the stairs in preparation for a long nap, a knock came to the door. Virgil jolted, looking up for a moment and seeing an abnormally tall figure dressed in black through the window. He opened it, knowing exactly who it was, and readied his questions. 

Their brief moment was silenced by Remus lunging at Logan, excited as ever. Roman followed soon, waving with a small, smug smile. Patton was nowhere in sight.

"This is a cute little surprise!" Remus giggled. "What's the occasion?"

"I asked and was allowed... that's it, really."

"So your father forgot about that homework?" Virgil asked, innocent enough for the others to not pick up on it. Logan knew exactly what he meant. Logan nodded and shrugged, allowing Remus to drag him inside once he finally let go of his torso. Roman watched them, smiling at Remus and his antics, seeing all going on in his head. 

Patton looked up from the couch and called down the hall. No one had seen him leave the kitchen. 

"Have you eaten, dear?" he asked sweetly. Logan yelled a strangled 'yes' as Remus poked him further. It took a while, but Logan was soon endeared by his enthusiasm. The four boys dragged each other up the stairs, leaving Patton and Janus alone. 

"Thank god Virgil didn't make it in here," Janus commented after a little while. Patton chuckled and nodded along, discarding his book. 

"I agree... why does he hate you again?"

"He thinks I'm sketchy. I mean, I understand. He's seen things."

Patton recoiled in confusion. What 'things'? Though he was getting suspicious himself, he didn't mention it and let the silence spread in the room. 

Patton could no longer stand the tension and stood up. "I'm gonna do the dishes. Is there something you wanna do"

"No, I'm content wander in thought."

Patton nodded, an idea forming in his head as a small smile grew, hand on his chin. "You and Logan would get along," he commented slyly, walking out of the room before Janus could retaliate. He was left, stunned, to think about Patton's suggestion. Maybe they would?

* * *

"I better get going before Virgil comes back down: he'll have my head," Janus sighed, gripping Roman's hands intentionally hard. Though he understood, Roman had a hard time understanding their hatred for one another. It made no sense. 

"Why can't you just get along?" he asked hopefully. His eyes oozed with worry: he was so desperate, willing to compromise, to get Janus to stay for a night. He always made the dysphoria so much easier. 

"I would explain, it's just sensitive. I suggest you ask him, it affects him most."

Roman seemed to understand this well enough that the sorrow in his gaze chipped away slowly as their embrace intensified. Janus held a hand firmly in Roman's hair as they kissed goodbye, leaving Roman silently begging for more. Janus saw it, acknowledged it, and promised without a word that he'd be back. Roman believed him, but not enough to satisfy. 

A moment later, Patton followed up behind him. He placed a gentle hand on Roman's shoulder. 

"You should get to bed, honey, you might regret in the morning." He changed the subject like it wasn't an issue, but Roman didn't question his judgement. As far as he knew, he hadn't been wrong before. Trust exuded from both of them as Roman looked up and smiled. 

"Thanks, daddy," he squeaked. His back was beginning to ache from all the standing around at the door saying his lengthy goodbyes. Patton nudged him towards the stairs, which he took as a good incentive.

Once he was back in his room, with only Remus, he felt a little more relaxed. Remus was already clocked out, silent as ever. Roman thought it was funny, seeing such a whack-job excuse for a human so peaceful and, almost, dignified. If it weren't for the lack of a shirt, he would've been the image of elegance while completely incapacitated. 

Roman looked up at the ceiling and cleared his lungs of the breath he'd been holding since Janus walked round the corner. The tapping on the window from the ivory blowing in the wind was consistent, like a drum beat. It wasn't as cold as it felt before; did someone turn the heating on, or was it luck of the weather? Roman's mind wandered and he let it. He enjoyed the wonders his mind could create. 

With that, he lulled himself to sleep, forgetting all about his curiosities, his worries, and the less kosher things he wanted to ask Virgil in the morning. He was good at forgetting. 


	4. Justice for Alex

So it came to my attention, like, 2 minutes ago that this trans boy named Alex is being abused by his transphobic mother. The video I sought out was censored because he does not deserve the whole world to know his deadname, and I don't want to know it out of respect for him. Please, if you live in America, call the fire department or the FBI because he is suffering under her narcissistic bigotry. The look in his eye while his mother forced him to sit still and take her abuse was too much for me. I know first hand how badly Alex's mother's words can affect a young person, as I experience that level apathy and dejection on a daily basis. Please go support him. I will not have that kind of blatant mistreatment of one of my own. 

I cannot stress enough how this treatment will ruin a child inside. The sadistic pleasure his birthgiver (that vile swine is not his mother) experienced from berating Alex over the internet where everyone could see was so disgusting to watch, it's still making me twitch in discomfort as I write this. I want to stress just how important this issue it to me, because children and young adults should not have to suffer through this. Trans rights are one of the most disregarded things in modern day society, and I want and need that to change. As a result, I would not be surprised if soon, Alex will no longer be with us. Do you have any idea how fucked up that is?

I say this because transphobia factually makes those on the trans spectrum depressed, suicidal and everything else under the sun. Alex will not come out of this okay, so, and I would never do this otherwise and will regret it later, I'm begging you to go support his case and help him out of there as soon as possible. I really, really hope he gets away quick enough that the lasting damage which has already been caused will be easier to deal with and heal from. 

This vile woman has paved the way for giving Alex some serious CPTSD, and I will not have that shit in my community as long as I can do something about it. I repeat, from the first line, that you should not seek out someone's deadname. It's a disrespectful and ignorant thing to do, and should you do it now that you've been informed, feel free to get the fuck back off my page. I will not tolerate this or any kind of abuse from anyone, in any form. This poor boy is dissociating his damn ass off in the video, he doesn't deserve that treatment from anyone. 

Christ, I can't stress this enough, go help him! 


	5. discontinued- sorry

I thought I had something going with this one, I was wrong . Sorry/


End file.
